Janna rambles on and on while people exchange meaningful glances

The weather is pleasantly cool and breezy today, and I'm grateful. I even like the colorless drab grey sky and the absence of sunshine. I've never been much of a sunshine-loving person anyway.

Perfect weather to sleep late, under a cozy blanket, with a warm cat next to you.

Which is exactly what I did.

Today I need to buy light bulbs, cat food, a few gallons of water, and maybe some dignity and inner peace. Do they have that at the dollar store, or am I going to have to go to a hardware store or something?
I hope it's not at the mall. Not only will it be hideously overpriced, but my back hurts too much today to walk around the ghastly mouse-maze of malldom.

Note to self: Shower before you leave home; people may not want to sell inner peace to someone who stinks like the unwashed masses.
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Thirteen things no one has said to me so far this year

1. "Is that aluminum foil in your bra?"
2. "I wish they made enchilada-scented hand sanitizer."
3. "There's a tarantula on your leg."
4. "You look so intelligent when your sinuses are congested."
5. "Please don't tease the watermelon."
6. "I wish your blog was all about politics."
7. "That wedge of pizza you just ate was shaped just like South Carolina."
8. "Wow, you really DO have some Grey Poupon!"
9. "Please stop drawing cartoons of yourself in the parking lot at midnight."
10. "Have you ever tried deep-fried goldfish on toothpicks?"
11. "We should start serving Rocky Mountain Oysters in school cafeterias."
12. "I'll pay you ten thousand dollars to dye your hair blue."
13. "I'm wearing three socks right now."
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Wordless Wednesday

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Things the letters OOPS could stand for

1. Ordinarily, Orangutans Play Solitaire
2. Omniscient Olive Pits? Someday!
3. Ornithologists Ogle Parrots Soon
4. Olga Obstinately Poked Susan
5. Opera = Overly Picky Singing
6. Ow! Ow! Please Stop!
7. One Otter Preferred Spaghetti
8. Oboes Oppose Perfect Silence
9. Ontario Only Pretends Sometimes
10. Old Obsolete Pretzels? Stale!
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Yet more reasons why you shouldn't swim in the fountain

The Manic Monday theme is "Fountain".
It just so happens that I already did a "fountain" themed post on Friday, so you can always click back and re-read that instead. I'll never know. I never know anything these days.

Today, though, I'll just show you pictures of other fountains which struck me as odd.

First, there's one in Chicago which is a sculpture devoted to dog poop.*

I learned about it from this post over at Oddity Central, which has plenty more pictures of it, plus a story of how it came to be.

Chocolate fountains will never look quite the same now.

Then, there's this site which has a whole page full of 12 bizarre fountains.

There's (among others) a lactating mermaid, a kid peeing on a frog, and a guy throwing up in London.

Feel free to explain the one about the naked kid riding the swan and choking him at the same time.


*So much for having a post without any waste products this time.
Oh, well. Maybe tomorrow.
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Various Thoughts

1. Heat and humidity are even more evil than Elmo and Barney, and that's really saying something.

2. I finally made an appointment to get my eyes checked for the first time in many years. It'll be on July 23rd at noon. I am going to need bifocals. Somehow I know this means I am officially old, yet I seem to be accepting it with equanimity. Or senility. Maybe both.

3. I have a new relationship with my bladder, now that I'm trying to drink lots of water. I try to drink at least two liters per day, sometimes more. (My bladder isn't speaking to me. And when it tries, it just gurgles. Especially when it mysteriously pees out more than I actually drank.)

4. A few days ago I was at the store, in line ahead of some guy who smelled like he'd had an unfortunate accident, if you know what I mean. I've been in gas station bathrooms that smelled better. (Made it kind of hard to eat the chocolate ice cream I'd just bought.)

Speaking of which, feel free to enjoy a song about skid marks.

Hopefully my next post will not involve waste products of any kind.
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Why you shouldn't swim in the fountain

BROPP: The sound I made after drinking too much Pepsi all at once.

ASHGERE: What's left over after Richard Gere gets cremated.

TISERGU: An anagram of GUSTIER. Must be it was so windy the letters got blown around.

UNDILI: Something Speedy Gonzales shouted a lot.

WACKSHON: From the Karate Kid...."Wackshon, Wackshoff..."

SNESIAN: A Polynesian with allergies.

BEARILY: I was running for my life with a grizzly on my tail, and I bearily made it.

PIEDN: I drank four cups of water, and then piedn the fountain when no one was looking.

ETTERS: Letters which have the first page missing.

MOOLAC: A milk product specially designed for lactose intolerant people.

ANCID: The word "rancid", which has rotted so much that the "R" has fallen off. (Beware of ancid Moolac.)

ANTEN: There's an anten my pants, which is why I'm walking so funny. (It probably got in there while I piedn the fountain.)

PYRIUM: New! Centrum One-A-Day, now with pyrium! It's either pyramid-shaped, or it helps treat pyromaniacs. We're not sure. Buy it anyway!
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Wordless Wednesday

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Coming to a theater near you... if I eat more nachos

I am happy to report that I survived the weekend.
In case any of you are curious, here are some various bits of Janna-trivia:

1. What I had for dinner on Saturday: A huge plate of nachos which was very filling, and which later caused my intestines to do an impression of Chewbacca.* ("grrwRRrowwwAArullGH!")

2. Weirdest thing I saw today: A lady riding on horseback while texting at the same time. (Really!)

3. What I realized (again) over the weekend: Just how much I am NOT comfortable in large cities. Give me the country (or an exceedingly small village) any day. Even if it means I have to be the village idiot.

*P.S. If there's ever going to be a new Star Wars sequel, my intestines may have to audition for the part.
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Because mayo is just evil enough to want you out of the picture

Hey, there.
I'll be gone for the weekend, and will be back on Monday.

No doubt the rest of you are all busy with your backyard grilling and fireworks and odd relatives and family traditions like lizard racing and underwater disco*.
Have a nice time.

Don't eat any mayo-based salads that have been out in the sun for hours.
Especially if you can hear them plotting your demise.
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*P.S. The hardest part about underwater disco is keeping the big mirrored ball from floating away.
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I am not the strangest person in the world

At least not yet.

No, for now there are these other people, who seem to have a far greater claim on the title:

1. This guy, or this guy, who can stick a live snake up his nose and pull it out of his mouth.

2. Or any of these guys, who thought "Hey, I wonder if I could put a condom up my nose and pull it out my mouth..."

3. Or the person who created this... which still looks bizarre no matter how many times I watch it. (The good news is that it doesn't involve anything going up anyone's nose.)

Seriously, compared to all this, I am so utterly normal that you would WANT me to be the one sleeping on your sofa at three in the morning.

Please leave the door unlocked.
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Wordless Wednesday

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Things I want to do before I turn 40 in January

1. Take out the trash (I have a problem with procrastinating).

2. Grow a Chia Pet (I've never done this! My mother is mortified at the very thought; she thinks they're tacky. I think they can be tacky AND fun at the same time. Yet, in my almost-40 years on this planet, I still haven't gotten around to growing one. This could prove to be a challenge, considering how much plants hate me.)

3. Figure out how to make a Wordle for the Jannaverse. (It never works whenever I try). I hear it probably has something to do with the fact that I have a blogspot blog instead of a format where all the archived text is easily accessible and grabbable.

4. Try Kentucky Grilled Chicken and blog about it. The way their prices are these days, though, I may need to mortgage my property first.

5. Lose one pound for every time Paris Hilton has ever said something is "hot".

6. Figure out where I left my Tears For Fears CD, and listen to Mad World about a thousand times.

7. Get bifocals. (Seriously, I need them).

8. Make that Wild Sauce recipe I blogged about over at Jantrails.

9. Find inner peace and joy and contentment, even if this means living alone in a cave somewhere on an island in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean.
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Compared to burning rocks and internal stabbings, my poetry isn't all that bad

What I Learned Last Week:

1. My readers hate poetry.

2. Celebrities are dropping like flies. Don't try to be famous anytime soon.

3. If you're eating lunch with a plastic fork, don't bite down too hard, or you'll break off one of the tines and will accidentally swallow it, and will spend every day wondering if it's slowly ripping your insides apart, driving you to an untimely demise. It will also make you inspect bathroom "results" with far greater scrutiny than you would perhaps otherwise be inclined.

4. Anything over 70 degrees (F) is annoying.

5. Anything over 80 degrees (F) makes me wish I was a penguin in one of those antarctic huddles, enjoying the refreshing breeze that comes from a wind chill hovering around 76 degrees below zero.

6. Anything over 90 degrees (F) is hot enough to melt rocks in the Jannaverse. I am currently posting from what appears to be the inside of a live volcano.
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